Descent
by kl-shipper1
Summary: Kara had thought that the most pain she'd ever experienced had been when she was stranded on the moon and shattered her knee. Now she realizes just how wrong she was. Written for the What's Your Line fic challenge over at no takebacks on LJ.


Title: Descent

Summary: Kara had thought that the most pain she'd ever experienced had been when she was stranded on the moon and shattered her knee. Now she realizes just how wrong she was.

Word Count: 1,612

Disclaimer: BSG is not, and never will be, mine. If it was... well, there would be a lot of changes to the last two seasons, to say the least.

Author's Note: Written for the What's Your Line fic challenge over at no_takebacks on LJ. Many thanks to trappermcintyre for the first sentence/prompt.

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><p>After she had shattered her knee on that godsforsaken moon, Kara had been certain that she would never experience any pain that was worse - now she knew she'd been horribly wrong.<p>

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><p>"<em>Kara, everyone gets rattled. Even the best."<em>

_"I'm not going back out there. I don't trust myself. "_

_"Hmm. So trust me. I'll fly your wing. "_

_"The CAG flying my number two? "_

_"Whatever it takes."_

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><p>Lee had gone out with her to support her, to show her that nothing would happen if she flew, that she should trust herself again. After all, Lee was always a friend, if nothing else. So she trusted him, because Lee Adama was usually, frustratingly right.<p>

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><p>"<em>Apollo's not far behind, the pressure will crush 'em both."<em>

_"Come on, Lee, get her outta there."_

"_90 seconds to hard deck."_

"_All right, Kara, listen to me. Forget the damn toaster. Climb now or you're dead."_

"_Godsdamn it, Kara, pull up now. We can still pull out of this; we haven't gone past the point of no return. Pull up!"_

"_Sixty seconds to hard deck."_

"_Gods damn it, where are you? Visual. Visual. Okay. Kara, I'm coming to get you."_

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><p>And of course when everything went to Hades in a hand basket, Lee flew down after her to try and save her. But Kara had a destiny to fulfill, she understood that, and she was too caught up in it to turn back now. It <em>was <em>too late. "Lee... I'll see you on the other side." He _needed to_ understand that she knew she had to do this; the vision of Leoben had made that clear to her.

"Kara, please, listen to me! Come back," he pleaded with her, but his pleas fell on deaf ears.

"Just let me go."

"Godsdamn it, Kara! You come back! Come back!" he tried again, his voice cracking slightly, his desperation penetrating every word.

She blinked slowly, his words and tone finally penetrating the mental fog that had enveloped her since her canopy had been hit. It was like a splash of cold water, or waking up suddenly from a dream. She quickly realized where she was and what was happening. The next second, her instincts took over and she pulled up, hard, her muscles straining against the strong forces, caused by being so close to the hard deck, pushing her back against the seat. Kara heard a whisper of noise over the comms that could have been her name, and then, just as quickly, a bright flash of light blinded her for a moment, and it was long enough for her brain to catch up and her heart to freeze. _No, no, no… this can't be happening… it's just not_ _possible… Lee would have been able to pull out of that, wouldn't he?_

"Lee..?" she asked over the comms, her voice a whisper, scared of what she might find, or rather what she _wouldn't_. "Lee?" Kara tried again, "Lee… this isn't funny. Answer me. Just… please, answer me… Lee?"

The truth smacked through her and she gasped for air, the pain hitting her square in the chest. It felt like there was a raptor sitting on her chest, and she surely would have doubled over if she had not been strapped tightly into the viper. A rough sob, followed by a primal scream, tore through her, and she angled her viper back toward the storm, prepared to follow Lee into it, when Bill Adama's gruff, but clearly affected, voice broke over the comms.

"Starbuck, get out of there, abort! Abort! I- I can't afford to lose both of you in the same day."

Slowly, she turned her viper around and headed toward the Galactica. She was quickly shutting down, trying to numb herself from the pain that was threatening to tear her in half. She felt empty, consumed by the grief and pain. She stumbled out of her viper, quickly finishing her post-flight checklist, and then fled from the hangar bay, finally collapsing into a heap when she was alone in her quarters, gasping sobs shaking her body. _It's my fault… he would have never_ been_ there if he wasn't trying to save me. Please, Lords of Kobol, bring him back. If you want take me, but just bring him back. He wasn't supposed to die… it was supposed to be me, not_ him_…_

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><p>In the weeks following, Kara still felt as hollow as ever. She needed to do something to get rid of the pain, to get rid of the images of the explosion dancing behind her eyelids whenever she closed her eyes. Most often she turned to drink, but that didn't help any more than beating the punching bag until exhaustion took over.<p>

She became even more emotionally distant than before, successfully pushing away Sam and attempting to push away Helo, but the persistent frakker kept trying to get her to open up in an effort to help her, to no avail. Kara Thrace could be as stubborn and persistent as Karl Agathon, especially when she put her mind to it.

The pain was still overwhelmingly present, without a sign of abating any time soon. It was a good thing, she supposed, that she had been declared unfit to fly and indefinitely grounded, because there was very little to keep her from finding Lee and kicking him out of Elysium, or just simply joining him there.

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><p>The first time Kara found herself in the Memorial Hall, she was clutching Lee's picture, eyes darting between it and the wall next to her. She knew that she <em>should<em> put his picture up with everyone else, but she couldn't bear to hang the only picture she had (and_ ever will have, _a voice in her head cruelly reminded her). If she let go of the photo in her hand, how long would it be until she couldn't recall his face or his bright blue eyes? That possibility was unthinkable to her, and she was doing a pretty good job already of never letting herself forget for even a minute. She closed her eyes tightly, feeling another wave of pain threatening to overwhelm her at the thought of Lee, and tucked the photo back in her pocket.

She couldn't let go of him. Not yet.

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><p>Helo had been there for Kara the whole time, despite her protests that she didn't need help and that she was doing just fine. But Karl could read Kara almost as well as Lee, and he saw in every line of her body, the slump of her shoulders, how unnaturally dull her normally sparkling eyes, and the dark circles that were always present around those eyes how terribly she was doing and he knew it was because of Lee. He figured she blamed herself and he needed her to understand that she wasn't at fault. From there, he could help her to start living again, instead of just existing. And eventually, through constant efforts, he reached his goal.<p>

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><p>Karl's efforts had made a significant effect on her, and she was finally willing to confide in him about everything that had happened, about the blame she placed on herself, and how terrified she was about forgetting even the little things about him. It struck Karl how important and vital to Kara's happiness Lee Adama had been. As for Kara, the process was certainly painful, but she felt different somehow. Lighter, like the huge, crushing weight of the grief that had consumed her these past weeks had started to dissipate.<p>

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><p>Kara made her second visit to the Memorial Hall in a completely different mindset. The pain still lingered, but it was no longer the all-encompassing pain that tore through her, leaving her feeling like she had to physically hold herself together.<p>

Slowly, she pulled out the sole photograph she had of Lee. It was an image of him playing triad, looking impossibly young and happy compared to the man he had been at the time of his death. She let out a shuddering breath, her hand shaking slightly as she pressed the photo to the wall and pinned it up. She drew a finger over the lines of his face, the sharp angle of his jaw. Then she stepped back from the wall and stared at the image for a minute longer, the familiar pain gnawing at the back of her mind. She quickly pushed it back, ran a hand over her face, and turned and walked away from the Memorial Wall with a sad smile.

She had finally done it. Finally let go of the consuming grief and pain that had been controlling her life since the storm. The next step, she knew, was to get herself back into her viper.

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><p>After proving that she had healed and that she was in the right state of mind to be flying again, Kara's flight status was reinstated.<p>

She began to fly rather uneventful CAPs, taking out cylon raiders here and there, gradually restoring her confidence in the air. Helo watched her begin to regain some of the old spark and personality that she'd had before.

For the most part, she had healed since Lee's death in the storm. But that didn't keep her from wishing, from praying that the gods might be benevolent enough to bring Lee back.

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><p>Two weeks later, after spending more than two months apart, the Lords of Kobol granted her wish.<p>

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><p>"<em>Hi, Kara." <em>

"_Lee?"_

_"Don't freak out. It really is me. It's gonna be okay. I've been to Earth. I know where it is. And I'm gonna take us there."_

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><p><strong>FIN.<strong>


End file.
